Love seems to be the hardest word
by spones
Summary: Part of the Cobert Summer Smutfest - Robert and Cora have been married almost a year now and this fine summer's day, everything changes...


_A/N: This is my contribution to the Cobert Summer Smutfest, I'm sorry it has gotten quite angsty (but never fear ;)) and rather longish as well... but I had fun writing this, I hope very much, you'll have fun reading it. Enjoy x_

_Disclaimer: I still do not own anything Downton-related..._

* * *

"What did you put in that letter? What did you tell your mother, Cora?"

Her husband was angry. Again. For almost two weeks now, Robert had been the very picture of an extremely grumpy man, who was bothered by something, but alas, no one knew what it was that had him throwing fits of temper every other day. Not upstairs and not even downstairs. But nothing had changed in those few weeks. At least nothing Cora knew about, although that didn't count for much in this house.

She almost couldn't take it anymore. He had shouted at her frequently, he had scolded her, at one time he had even told her off in public, he was fidgety when he was around her and, worst of all, he wouldn't come to her bedroom in the evening anymore.  
Cora only wanted that gentle man back she had married almost a year ago, who might not be in love with her, but who at least tried to be polite and even affectionate at times. But for some reason unknown to her that Robert had disappeared and this quite insufferable jerk had appeared out of nowhere.

And he was yelling at her yet again, but this time, she had decided the moment Robert had flung her door open, she would stand her ground. She had learned throughout the past days that it was apparently no use trying to be cautious and understanding and quiet when he was in one of his moods. It always seemed to make him even angrier. So this time, she would not back down so easily. If Robert wanted to fight, than she would give him a fight. As long as she didn't know what it was exactly that was nagging him, there was still hope, she told herself, that there was actually something worth fighting for.

"Nothing, Robert, I put nothing in that letter. What are you talking about anyway?" Cora rose from her vanity. She wanted to be able to look him in the eye.

"Your Mother has been writing to my mother, Cora," he gesticulated rather wildly with the piece of paper in his hand.

"And what did she say?" She asked.

"She threatened her," Robert informed her with barely controlled anger.

"She did what?" Cora couldn't believe it.

"She wrote, she would come over and collect you, if we, especially my mother and I, were not as polite and accommodating as I had promised your father we would be. I ask you again, Cora, what did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything, Robert."

"Well, you must have told her something."

"About you yelling at me when I don't even know what I've done wrong and you wouldn't tell me? And your mother treating me like I've come out of the gutters of Eastern London? Are you asking me whether I've told her that? How could I, Robert?" Exasperation creeped into Cora's voice. "Have you ever thought about how long the mail needs to get to New York and back, hm? Even if I had wanted to tell her that, which I didn't, I wouldn't have had the chance, Robert."

"Then why would she write something like that, hm?"

"I honestly don't know, Robert. I might have told her at one point that this is far more difficult than I thought it would be at the beginning. And it is true, Robert. The last two weeks have been exhausting. I don't understand, why you are suddenly so...," Cora searched desperately for the right word because she didn't want to alienate him any further or risk another outburst after he seemed to have calmed down a bit after her reassurance, "...so different. I really don't. Up until a few weeks ago, you were such a polite and good man. You might not have been in love with me, but you were at least kind. Now you're constantly upset about something and I don't know what it is. I love you, Robert, you know that and I have contented myself with the thought that you might never love me back but now I don't even know if you at least like me anymore." Cora felt defeated and sighed. "But I swear I would never write that to my mother. Never. I hate her _I-told-you-so's_. I would never give her that opportunity. I'd rather drown myself, Robert." The last words Cora had added much more earnestly than she had intended to but she didn't have the energy to explain herself any further.

Robert just stood there in the middle of her bedroom, looking at his wife, her words slowly sinking into his mind. _You have to tell her_, his inner voice told him. _How can she ever understand, if you won't tell her?_ But the lump in his throat, which had formed while all the hurt had tumbled out of her, made it unable for him to speak and not one word came over his lips. And the longer he looked into her teared-up eyes, the more guilty he felt and the lesser he felt able to face her any longer. So he just turned on his heels and strode out of her room.

Cora let herself fall back heavily on her chair, her shoulders slumped. Now she had blown it, apparently. Now they would cast her out, surely. But Cora didn't care. She had reached a point where anything would be better than this. Sod bloody society. She had made friends in London over the past year, maybe she could stay with them for a while. At least until Robert came to his senses again. Or until, well, some other solution to her situation would turn up. The problem was that the girl who was in love with this insufferable man didn't really want to go anywhere. He could be as unbearable as he liked, she still loved him and Cora knew that he was _the One_. She couldn't explain it, she just knew that she would very probably love him as long as she lived, whether she, or he for that matter, liked it or not. Cora took a deep breath and before a long sigh could escape her yet again, she decided to take a long walk after luncheon. Maybe it would help to clear her head and to decide what to do next.

Luncheon was a very quiet affair this fine summer's day for Robert's parents had left for their annual stay in Rome this morning and the young couple was alone, but after their argument in the morning none of them had the courage to speak to the other and small talk about the weather seemed to be very much out of place in their current situation.

"I think I'm going to take a nap," Robert announced after he had finished dessert and stood up. Just when he reached the door and the footman had left the other way starting to clear the table, Cora found at least some courage.

"What have I done, Robert?" She whispered, but loud enough for him to hear it clearly. She just wanted to know before she went for her walk.

Robert didn't look at her because he feared she would see his predicament in his eyes, so he fixed them on his hand on the door handle and said as sincerely as he could:

"Nothing, Cora. You have done nothing." And he meant it.

Before she could reply and ask any more questions he wasn't quite ready to answer yet, he left and went upstairs. He wasn't about to take a nap, though. He knew sleep would elude him until he had come up with a plan to save this messy situation, which he was clearly handling very badly indeed. But today he would think of one. Otherwise it might be too late.

Cora meanwhile congratulated herself on having decided to take a walk instead of having her usual afternoon nap. She couldn't really face sleeping in a room while Robert slept in the next one. Not now anyway, not in broad daylight.

While her maid dressed her for her outing, Cora couldn't think of anything else than the man she loved probably snoring away next door. How could she ever face him again?

The man in question on the other hand did anything but snore next door. Robert lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling, listening to the muffled sounds coming from Cora's room, where she was getting dressed apparently, trying to think hard about what to do. And more importantly: how to do it.

Finally Cora managed to push the thoughts of her husband aside, determined to enjoy a sunny afternoon outside at least a bit. Since the sun was shining brightly, she took her parasol and a book for good measure and ventured out into the grounds. She headed straight for the lake, which was one of her favourite spots on the estate, although it was an hours walk away from the house. But she needed to get away from the house, and his inhabitants, anyway and looked forward to her much anticipated breathing space.

When she had reached the lake roughly an hour later and sat down on the wooden landing stage in order to dangle her feet in the cool water, Cora had replayed her conversation with Robert from this morning a hundred times in her head. He had gotten so quiet in the end. He had listened to her, which must count for something, but he hadn't said anything in return. She had spilled her heart out and placed it at his feet, but he hadn't given any indication of what his thoughts were. The only indication of something was his, well, sort of pained look when she had mentioned the word "love". Was it that? Had he found someone he loved? Had he taken a mistress and regretted now that he had married her, the _American girl_? Cora hadn't dared to think about that possibility for she was sure it would break her heart. Up until now there had been hope. He didn't love her, but he also didn't love anybody else, so Cora had allowed herself to believe in the possibility, however slight it might have been, that he would eventually one day fall for her. They had gotten along very well nonetheless. They had enjoyed each others company most of the time. They had always found things to talk about. His mother could be daring, yes, but she had always taken solace in the thought that Robert supported her, even if it was only in private, and their nights had been nice enough. And sometimes more than just that. Cora had come to like his body and the way he made love to her and the feelings of excitement he was able to evoke in her, although he had never realised that she had reacted differently when he had touched certain parts of her body and the sense of duty had never left their nightly encounters entirely.

The little splash caused by a fish breaking through the surface for a second startled her out of her reverie. She suddenly realised how her body had reacted to her rather inappropriate thoughts about Robert's naked body pressed against her's and his hands fondling her breasts, but it was no use thinking about that now. It was over. The way Robert had behaved over the past weeks, he would likely never touch any part of her body ever again.

The sun stood considerably lower than when she had arrived at the lake, so she must have been sitting and thinking for quite some time now. She had to head back soon, if she didn't want to provoke another argument, which she hadn't the energy for and she would need all her energy to confront Robert because that was the decision she had reached. She would just simply ask him, whether he loved someone else now or not. Whether he wanted to get rid of her or not. It would be hard and painful and embarrassing but she didn't care. She had to know. She would be straight with him and she would force him to be straight with her as well. She was one of those blustering Americans after all.

But first, she would round the lake and collect some of the wild flowers, which grew in abundance on the other side behind the bushes. Cora felt she had to lighten up her room a bit to make it look different from this morning, when she had argued with her husband in that very room.

After a rather long time of staring hard at the ceiling of his dressing room, Robert had reached a decision for himself and he had managed to come up with the words he wanted to say. He rehearsed them a few times in his mind until he was sure he would remember them correctly when he came face to face with his wife. Then he left his room, determined to seek her out right now because he wasn't sure how long his new found courage would last. He wanted to get it over with.

When he arrived downstairs, Cora was nowhere to be found though and only Williams, the butler, was on duty in the Hall.

"Have you seen my wife?" Robert asked the always very dignified looking older man.

"The Viscountess has gone out for a walk, Sir. She hasn't been back yet."

Well, he had heard her getting dressed, but that was hours ago.

"Do you know, where she might have gone to?"

"She headed out in the general direction of the lake, Sir."

Of course, the lake, he could have thought of that himself. It was one of her favourite places on the estate. But suddenly something in his mind clicked and he remembered Cora's last words from this morning.

_I'd rather drown myself, Robert._

He hadn't taken that seriously because he had been so preoccupied at that moment. First with himself and then with her words about her being in love with him and him 'at least' having been kind to her. She wouldn't, would she? But he also remembered how defeated she had looked when he had left.

_Oh please God_, Robert prayed inwardly _please, please, please, don't let it be too late._

"I need my horse, Williams, now!" The desperate urgency in the voice of the young master made the old Butler run like he hadn't in a long time.

The moment he reached the edges of the bushes which surrounded the lake, Robert jumped down from his horse, his imaginings running rampant by now. Never thinking about tying up his poor exhausted mare somewhere, he started to run into the direction of the wooden landing stage.

His eyes grew wide at the sight that greeted him. Cora's parasol was sitting there most peacefully, still open as if she had just put it there and there were her shoes and her book... but no Cora.

"Cora?" Robert called, now full of fear, his heart beating hard and fast.

"Cora, where are you?" He was getting more and more desperate by the second, looking around feverishly, but there was no answer.

_I'd rather drown myself, Robert,_ her words echoed again and again in his mind. And then he saw it. Something had broken the surface for a second. _Perhaps she wasn't already...,_ Robert's mind wasn't able to even think it when he got rid of his jacket and his shoes as fast as he could.

_God, please, Cora, don't be... I didn't want this, dear God... how will I be able to live without you...,_ were his last frantic thoughts before he plunged head first into the water.

Cora was proud of herself. She thought she had assembled the most beautiful bunch of wild flowers ever there was in the whole world and it would certainly sooth her throughout the difficult days that lay ahead. Rounding the last bush on her way back to collect her things so she could finally head back to the house, she stopped dead in her tracks for she hadn't expected to find herself suddenly face to face with a horse. Robert's horse, to be precise. The moment she wondered where it's owner might be though, she heard a loud splash. Quickening her steps out of curiosity what this might mean - Robert usually wasn't one for swimming - she reached the landing where she found his shoes and his jacket, obviously discarded in haste.

She went to the very edge of the wooden boards and looked around, when suddenly her husband appeared in the middle of the lake, gasping for air.

"Robert?" She cried, at the same time utterly surprised and bewildered. What was he doing in the water, for God's sake, and apparently clothed?

Just when he was about to dive again, her shout seemed to have reached him for he suddenly looked at her, his face lightening up visibly.

"Cora! Oh my God, Cora!" She heard him shout breathlessly while he started to swim into her direction.

Robert heaved himself out of the water and when he came to stand before her, he immediately took her face into her hands, starting to cover her face with breathless kisses, dripping water all over her in the process.

"God Cora, I'm glad, I'm so glad," he panted between kisses again and again and again.

Cora's bewilderment knew no bounds by now. What in God's good name was happening here? This morning Robert had almost bitten her head off and now he wouldn't stop kissing her. He hadn't kissed her in weeks. And they said women were contrary.

"Robert," Cora tried to put some distance between them, "please, stop it for a moment, you're getting me all wet. Are you out of your mind?" Cora frowned. She was seriously unable to fathom what was going on with this man.

"I might as well be, Cora, I might have been for weeks now. I've been such a fool, Cora. Such a bloody fool." The words tumbled out of him, not one of them belonged to the speech he had prepared earlier in his dressing room, but he felt himself unable to stop.

"You have?" Robert could see, she didn't believe him, and who would blame her after what he had done, or more likely not done, over the last two weeks.

"Yes," he took a deep breath, wiping the water out of his face, "yes, because, because I have to tell you something I should have told you weeks ago, but I was afraid, Cora, confused, I don't know, I'm still confused I guess, but..."

"You have fallen in love," Cora cut him off, surprising him with her rather dry statement.

"Yes, how do you know?" He asked cautiously, somehow sensing that this wasn't going exactly into the right direction.

"Who is it, Robert? Do I know her?" Cora whispered and suddenly her hesitation became clear to him.

"It is _you_, Cora. I've fallen in love with _you_. I'm so sorry about how I behaved and how I treated you, but I didn't know myself anymore. Please believe me, there is no other. Only you. For the last weeks I haven't been able to think about anything else but you and what you have done to me. What you are doing to me. I love you, Cora."

There, he finally said it and now he was afraid again. Afraid that he had blown it with his behaviour. Afraid that she wouldn't want him now after all that had happened.

His words sunk in only slowly. Cora couldn't believe what she had just heard. This must be a dream, surely, but as she looked at her husband, who was standing in front of her, sopping wet and waiting anxiously for her reaction, she realised it wasn't a dream. He had fallen in love with her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Was all she managed to say at the moment.

"I don't know, Cora. Honestly," he whispered. "I grew up thinking that the moment I would fall in love, the whole world would change. I hate change, as stupid as this might sound to you. I was afraid, I guess, I tried to push it away. And with that I pushed you away. I'm so sorry," he finally confessed.

"Oh Robert," Cora felt an overwhelming urge to take him into her arms, as irrational as that urge was, because something in her thought she should rather be furious with him. But somehow Cora couldn't, instead she cupped his cheek in her hand and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"You don't know how much I've longed for this to happen. How I've longed for you to say these words, Robert."

"You forgive me then?"

"Let's not speak of these two weeks ever again, Robert. Let's start anew from this minute on, hm?" She said, her hand already playing languidly with his wet hair.

Robert couldn't take his eyes off her. He loved her so desperately. He had never expected he could feel something so intense for anybody and she loved him back. Still, she loved him back. It was unbelievable. All ability to speak was suddenly gone from him. But there was no need for words anymore. When his mouth descended onto her's, she met him half way. It was an intense kiss which soon developed into a thrilling dance of their tongues around each other. Something Cora had never thought she would experience with him. And she needed more. And now. She wanted to know how it felt making love to the man she loved and who finally loved her back. Cora wanted to feel her dream becoming reality.

"Robert, we have to get you out of these wet clothes. And my clothes have gotten all wet, too," she panted when they broke the kiss for air, starting to fumble nimbly with the buttons of his shirt.

Robert realised that his heart was pounding wildly again, but for entirely different reasons than it had before. She wanted him, here, now, and if he was honest, there was nothing he would like better, but they were outdoors. It wasn't proper. But it also was too late to stop now, he realised, when Cora had finished unbuttoning his shirt and he felt her hands roam hungrily over his chest and her lips grazing his neck possessively. A few minutes ago he'd thought he'd lost her forever but now she was here, in his arms, very much alive, evoking the most thrilling sensations in him. But somehow, he didn't fully understand why she was doing this. It seemed very irrational to him, after he had almost killed her, so to speak. And he had to know before he could continue, so he took her face into his hands again, looked intently into her blue eyes and mouthed a silent "Why?", still unable to utter a sound.

"Because I have to feel it, Robert," she whispered hoarsely. "I have to feel the words you just said. Please, Robert, love me. Show me. Show me how you love me."

That he understood and he didn't need another invitation. When she took his hands and sat herself down onto the wooden landing, dragging him with her, he went more than willingly, settling himself between her legs. But he wanted it to last and therefore fought the urge to just get rid of his trousers and take her, like he had done on more than one occasion in the past.

For the first time in their marriage, Robert started to genuinely explore her body. He wanted to touch every inch of this woman, who had reduced him to this puddle of previously unknown feelings. He kissed her like he had never kissed her before. Every inch from her neck to her breasts, he covered with his kisses. Occasionally he sucked softly at her skin, and he only paused every now and then to look into her face to see what his ministrations did to her. It was a face of utter bliss. Cora's eyes were closed and her mouth slightly open, her teeth biting down on her lips frequently. When he turned his attentions to her breasts, sucking and licking in turn, her body arched longingly into his and she started to moan audibly, her breathing getting heavier by the second while her hands were entwined in his hair and her feet went up and down his legs. It drove him mad with desire. But she was obviously ready as well.

"Robert," she breathed heavily, "please."

He sat up on his knees again and looked at her, mesmerised, never taking his hands off her legs, caressing her thighs softly and while he finally took off his trousers, he decided how he was going to show her exactly how much he had come to love her.

Robert positioned himself between her legs again, her body clearly anticipating his. But before he went on, Robert took Cora's face into his hands and pressed his forehead lightly against her's.

"Open your eyes," he whispered and she did, looking straight into his. The expression of desire in them almost did him in but he managed to control himself, if only just. When he finally entered her, he did so as slowly as he possibly could for he wanted to savour every single inch of her. The frequency of their breaths increased considerably though with every inch he pushed deeper inside in agonising slowness. When he had finally buried himself completely in her, he couldn't help it anymore. Silent tears started to fall from his eyes, wetting her face, and he almost coughed out hoarsely the only thing he was still capable of thinking.

"I love you, Cora."

Although Cora had wanted it to last as well, his actions, his intense look, his tears and most of all his words sent her over the edge the moment he had spoken them. Forcing herself to keep her eyes open and still looking into his, she felt her body arch up violently against his and her inner self explode in a most delicious way. Like she never had before. So it was different. It was infinitely better.

Robert wasn't quite as strong. He had involuntarily closed his eyes and let out a rather high pitched gasp when he felt her pulsing intensely around him. She had never done that before. Or if she had, he didn't remember. It was unbelievably exquisite and Robert found himself rather surprised that he hadn't let it go right along with her. Because he was the one who usually finished first, he was momentarily unsure whether to carry on or whether to let Cora recover, but his wife relieved him of that particular decision.

"Don't stop, Robert, please," she urged him and while her lips found his again in a hungry kiss, her hands travelled down to caress and squeeze his backside, encouraging him to finally move.

Robert still wanted to look into her eyes, but he couldn't do it anymore. The sensations were just so overwhelming that he had to bury his face in her neck, nipping and sucking at her flushed, hot skin while his hips moved in an ever more frantic rhythm. He felt his wife moan under him, her body starting to sing around him yet again but he wasn't quite there yet, although his breath was coming out in short sharp gasps by now, each one accompanied by an animalistic grunt.

"Let go, Robert, let it all go, my love," he heard Cora moan into his ear and while he distantly felt her legs clamping around his lower back and her body pressing urgently into his again, he finally did let go. The world before his eyes went suddenly black and white at the same time and all his mind seemed to be able to register at that very moment was how he was spilling himself, and all of himself it seemed, into the woman who was presently crying out his name in previously unknown ecstasy. It was most remarkable. Robert couldn't for the life of him remember anything like it and he was sure, it had everything to do with being finally, utterly and truly in love.

After a long while of just laying in each others arms, caressing the other ones body and catching their breaths, Cora was the first to find her ability to speak again.

"That was incredible, Robert," she placed another kiss on his lips as if to reassure herself that he was still there and that all of this really hadn't been a dream, "but may I ask one last question?"

"Hmm, of course" in this state of utter bliss Robert found himself in now, he wouldn't deny anybody anything to be honest.

"What were you doing in the middle of the lake when I came back from picking flowers?"

"Going for a swim?" He tried teasingly.

"Didn't look like that to me, Darling." She smiled.

Robert turned onto his side to look into her eyes again and started to comb through her hair lovingly with his fingers. He desperately wanted her to realise how sincere he was.

"When I came down after trying to figure myself out, really, and Williams told me you had gone to the lake, I suddenly remembered your words from this morning and I thought, well, I thought... that you had actually gone into the water because I've been so utterly terrible to you. And when I saw this little splash in the middle of the lake, I could actually feel my heart break and all I could think of was that either I would rescue you or drown myself in the attempt, because I would never have been able to live without you, Cora."

"Oh God Robert, do you realise what you are saying?" But according to his questioning look, Robert obviously didn't. "If I hadn't turned up at the right moment, we would rather have ended like Romeo and Juliet. You drowning yourself thinking I was gone when I wasn't," Cora started to kiss him again to reassure herself that he hadn't drowned and was actually there with her.

"If I remember that particular tragedy correctly, they were both dead in the end," Robert added after the kissing had subsided.

"Yes," Cora said and she didn't need to say any more. She could see it in his eyes. This time he understood.

"Well, now you have reminded me why I never liked Shakespeare in the first place," and with that Robert succeeded in chasing away the gloom that had come over them with the realisation of how close they had come to losing each other for good and Cora had to laugh out loud. And her husband laughed with her. Both of them feeling incredibly relieved.

But suddenly Cora became more serious again,

"Robert, we should never forget how narrow our escape was. Will you promise never to let something like this happen ever again?"

"I promise, Cora. I will never let you get lost ever again. And I will treasure this day always, my love." And they sealed that promise with another loving kiss.

Having reached the front lawn of the house just in time for dinner, Robert stopped, squeezing her hand to get her attention.

"Cora, this might sound a bit preposterous but... would you like to have dinner upstairs? And would you like to have me? With you? In bed? I feel I still have to make up for a lot...," Robert stopped when he saw her blushing a most delicious shade of red.

"I'd like that very much, Robert," she answered, suddenly feeling a bit more self-aware than usual. She felt as if they were starting to court all over again, and this time, she was very much looking forward to it.

When Williams, the old Butler, entered the servants hall half an hour later, he sported a very uncharacteristic broad smile, because he had seen it when he had opened the door for the young heir and his wife. The state of disarray their clothes had been in, Williams had naturally overlooked most discretely, but their hand holding, the looks they suddenly shared and of course the fact that they went straight upstairs, talking softly to one another on the way, he just hadn't been able to ignore. Something had happened out there by the lake, and obviously something good at long last. The yelling and arguing was finally at an end.

Now, Williams was sure, the future of Downton was looking even brighter than the sun on this fine summer's day.


End file.
